I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
