I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
