i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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