Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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