is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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