Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
