Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
