I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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