i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
