Don't you send me to vm
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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