life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Randomize
