I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize