found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
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