Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize