uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
