I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize