last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
wat bout pragnant strippers??
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
