I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
