go do what you do best...puke behind churches
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
My penis needs a shock collar
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
