New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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