I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Let's get the cat blown out
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Randomize
