All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
