he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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