I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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