Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
