so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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