i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
