My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
