I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
