3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
