I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
