he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
