Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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