NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize