Apparently you make a good broom.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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