Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
