i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
home. puking in laundry basket.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
