I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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