apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
