i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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