Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
