Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize