So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
