Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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