New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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