So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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