apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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