you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
