is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
