John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Randomize
