I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
