You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
