watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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