Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
