i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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