hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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