Define "chronic" masturbator.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
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