Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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