she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
