I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Randomize
