if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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