oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
