Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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