i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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