Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
